If you find yourself caught in an LDR, you deserve a pat on the shoulder for I know how hard it can be. However be assured that all is not lost. Here is some advice so that your relationship will not be caught in a downward spiral of insecurity, jealousy and suspicion.

Know Yourself, Know Your Relationship

Preparing for an LDR does not just begin after one of you flies off. It begins pre-departure, days and weeks before you see your other half off at the airport. It is about the two of you preparing yourselves mentally and emotionally for the potentially tough journey ahead, and making goals and plans. Take it as strategizing before the war begins.

Granted, some relationships will have it easier because of the personalities of the individuals. Some couples operate independently – the individuals like their personal space and do not over-rely on each other for emotional support. These couples are fine even if they do not see or talk to each other for few days. At the other end of the spectrum are the “sticky” couples who have to see each other almost everyday, talk on the phone daily before bed, and who will feel insecure if they do not know where or what their other half is doing at any point of the day.

It is thus important to know yourselves and your relationship, and make plans before the LDR actually commences. If both of you are the needy type, talk about how you guys can still communicate. If one of you is needier than the other, establish certain ground rules for mutual understanding. Maybe have a comfortable agreement that you will send each other e-mails at least thrice a week. At the end of the day, it is about understanding and compromising to each other’s needs and characters.

It is also important to reach a common expectation of the relationship so that even if you are on different lands, you two are still on the same footing. Basic issues like the following definitely have to be ironed out. Is he allowed to go out with other girls on a platonic level? Does he have to inform you? Does she expect you to reply her e-mails immediately? If an argument occurs, how should it be settled? Are the two of you serious about this relationship, intend for it to last the long term, and promise to wait for each other?

Establishing grounds of understanding and promising to stick to them helps resolve issues which are a lot harder to solve once distance separates the two of you. It is also an assurance so you will know what to expect. For example, if he has not replied your e-mail, you will not get all insecure or suspicious if the promise is that he can take up to a maximum of three days to reply.

But with two of you on different lands, what are some of the things that can be done as a couple?

Make Full Use of Technology

It cannot be emphasized enough how useful and important technology is in bridging physical distances. Globalization has made the world so inter-connected that people on opposite continents can feel like they are in neighbouring villages.

If letters take too long, save them for special occasions and send e-mails instead. Make use of webcams to see each other. Talk cheaply through internet phones. Play online MSN or Facebook games together so you can have fun and yet communicate.

Do things that will actually make two of you feel connected. Read the same book and have an online discussion about it. Watch a video or TV program and laugh together. Share a blog. Look out at the sky and star-gaze. Even better, look at the moon, for your other half will be looking at the same moon, and then express your love and longing for him or her. Set your watches to go off at the same time and spend that few seconds thinking about each other.

With technology, the list of things to do is endless. What is important, however, is not to fall into a monotonous, predictable routine. One of the reasons why LDRs fail is that boredom consumes the relationship and pretty soon, there is nothing new for the couple to talk about or do. When that happens, the relationship becomes dead, goes nowhere, and one of you might stray to fill the void with someone new.

In an LDR, the couple has to be inventive and creative so that one will not know what to expect from the other. Have a surprise gift flown over. Record a video and post it up on Youtube, and send the link over. For the guys, do something unexpectedly mushy and make the girl go all soft inside. The girls can purchase a jacket from an online shop and have it shipped to his doorstep for the cold winter season.

Essentially it is about keeping the relationship on its toes. Remember that a relationship that goes to sleep for too long will eventually die off.

Utilizing technology to bridge the physical distance will allow interaction and remind yourselves of each other. Efforts must be invested to keep the flame going, and to know and update each other about your lives, so that insecurity, jealousy and suspicion will not arise from misunderstandings that are actually preventable.

Lay Back!

Lastly, remember that even if you are on different lands, you do not have to breathe down your other half’s neck all the time. The last thing anyone needs is the pressure and control of someone thousands of miles away who is watching over his or her back suspiciously.

Having an LDR is hard, no doubt. It is however important to try to lay back and trust each other. If he says he is going out with his friends, do not wring further details out of him forcefully if he does not want to, or coerce him into going home at a particular time to talk to you. Since two of you are in an LDR, give each other some personal space and freedom. Let each other breathe so that you will not get jealous or overreact over small issues. If she says she is busy doing work, do not pester and bombard her continuously with questions about her work. Give her space, and maybe talk to her a few hours later to check on her progress and show that you care.

If an argument should occur, do not jump right at each other. Since the strain of each other’s absence is already felt, the effects of an argument are altogether multiplied and strain the relationship even more. Stay calm and think twice before speaking. Settle your issues maturely. Remember that your aim is to resolve the argument, not make things worse. After all, leaving an argument to hang halfway feels all the emptier with the absence of each other’s physical presence.

That said, not everything should culminate into an argument or a heated conversation. If he snaps at you, perhaps he’s had a bad day. Resist the urge to snap back; just check on him the next day again. If she comes to you whining about something when you’re busy, do not brush her off rudely. Either spend a few minutes to listen and placate her, or tell her that your hands are full and you will talk to her in an hour’s time. Then make sure you stick to what you say and talk to her an hour later.

If an argument can be avoided, avoid it. The ingredients for a successful LDR are patience, learning to lay back and trust.

Conclusion

If it all sounds like hard work to you, remember that every relationship, including LDRs, is about efforts and investments by both parties. If you are not willing to make the first step of working hard, you are essentially giving up on your relationship without giving it a chance. The going might be tough, but think of the long-haul returns which will be much sweeter.

If there’s anyone who knows about LDRs, she is no other than our local celebrity blogger, Xiaxue. She had to hold on through an LDR with her Caucasian boyfriend, facing issues of insecurity, jealousy and suspicion, before they could eventually savour the sweetness of success. In fact, they are getting married in the near future.

Here is what she has to say, in her own words, “With all these uncertainties, we could only continue our relentless and expensive plow forward with faith that everything will turn out ok.

“I’ve never been happier than I am right now. Never more loved, more appreciated, and more at peace with the world! We have come such a long way from being separated by copious amounts of sea and being unsure, scared, and anxious to where we are now… Comfortable, contented and best of all, secure.”

If she can do it with faith, so can you too. Remember that you are not alone going through this. Take the above steps and do not let insecurity, jealousy and suspicions wreck your relationship.